(Originally published by Death Doula Network International)
As deathcare providers (and people who have personally experienced loss), we know that issues of regret, shame, and forgiveness can sometimes arise during a person’s last chapter. It’s as if suppressed difficulties return when time runs short. Knowing this, how might we begin to prepare ourselves and those we care for now and in the end?
Ponder these opening questions to get started: What dreams, big or small, have you been hoping to achieve? How guarded have you been with sharing your heart? What pains you from past relationships? Can you open yourself to resolution?
Unburdening
Suffering is an unavoidable part of the human condition. As individuals, we each face a distinct set of trials throughout our stint on Earth. As we delve into this sensitive work of returning to the past, prior injuries or injustices to our bodies, minds, and souls might return to our thoughts. Please care for yourself gently and know you don’t need to uncover any times that feel too painful to revisit.
A special note on trauma: When someone has experienced trauma, there is no need to excuse a perpetrator’s behavior or to minimize its effects in order to heal. Where there are deep wounds, there can exist an array of emotions, including rage, frustration, and/or sadness. If it feels safe and appropriate to extend forgiveness for a transgression or mistreatment, this can provide potential relief. If this does not feel right, forcing forgiveness can cause additional suffering. Psychotherapist Anastasia Pollock promotes an alternative, unburdening, which means “letting go of the power the trauma has over a person” as well as “expressing and releasing anger and other strong emotions about what happened without criticism or expectation of what needs to come next.”1 This reframe can allow a survivor to direct their own recovery journey without undue pressure. That’s how we’ll approach the matter of coming to terms with and releasing the past.
Keeping with the theme of unburdening, you will now unearth any unspoken messages for others you may be holding onto. You are going to focus on words gone unshared because the associated dynamics or situations at the time felt too complicated. You can direct them to someone who is alive or deceased. These aren’t messages you will share with anyone, so you can feel free to write whatever comes to mind.
Please know, you direct your death wellness practices. Be sure to respect your intuition and current capacity. Reach out to trusted loved ones or clinicians or mental health professionals when needed—if, say, the exercise brings up strong feelings or memories that you need support working through. Even though these exercises are introspective, they don’t have to be done in isolation.
Letters to Others
To begin, take some time to think of a few individuals who are connected to challenging times in your life. These may be individuals who are well-known to you or people you don’t know as well who’ve nonetheless had quite an impact on your life. For each of these people, draft a handwritten letter on a piece of paper, with the express purpose of releasing yourself from emotional heaviness.
Write as much or as little as you like. There is no right or wrong way to complete this exercise; write the letter that makes sense to you and feels beneficial. Rather than concentrating solely on what you wish could have happened differently in the past, you can also acknowledge what you may have learned or how you may have grown from hardship and heartache, as these are your takeaways to claim.
Ritual for Release
Upon completion of your letters to others, you can then release your writing ceremoniously by either burning or burying the pages. As you do so, repeat a mantra focused on cleansing and liberating yourself from the hurt related to difficult events. Afterward, you might want to pause, reflect, and journal as a way to access more clarity. What was this experience like for you?
Healing takes time and effort. This is one step of many in your journey. There are no miracle cures or fast tracks. You can return to this practice of unburdening when older hurts reappear or when new ones occur.
A Letter to Yourself
Now that you have finished drafting letters to others, let’s turn back inward. When we recall the past, hindsight can lead us to forget we didn’t have all the information beforehand. We couldn’t know how everything would turn out. Take some time to pen a letter to yourself—one of self-forgiveness and gratitude—with the intention of unburdening heaviness or guilt you still might be carrying. Use a compassionate voice as though you are directing these words to a cherished friend or family member.
Begin your letter by writing “Dear Me…”
Reflections
You might feel drained or energized as a result of this profound work, or you might find yourself vacillating between the two. This is to be expected. Allow yourself plenty of rest and respite. You might also feel motivated by the prior exercises to have conversations while you still can and disclose what you’ve been silently carrying. If so, keep in mind that not everyone will arrive at this place of readiness simultaneously. When approaching invitations to talk, you might say something along the lines of, “I’ve been doing more thinking about the past lately. I know what’s done is done, but I’d like the chance to talk about what happened and how it affected our relationship if you’re willing—for the sake of reconciliation.” Some of the people you speak to will be willing to have these conversations. Even if the other person resists, though, you still have the option of drafting letters—which you might send or might not. Either way, expressive writing can lighten your emotional burden.
Excerpted from:
In this new publication, community doula and death literacy advocate Francesca Lynn Arnoldy offers readers a guided tour through topics like death anxiety, mortality awareness, compassion, and connection. This contemplative workbook is geared toward anyone wanting a more intentional approach to living and dying as well as those beginning or updating their end-of-life plans, those with serious/terminal conditions, people ready to create remembrance gifts for loved ones, and deathcare providers seeking more tools. It includes personal stories, professional anecdotes, and practical activities throughout with sensitivity to all belief systems, cultures, identities, and histories of lived experience—inviting readers to modify and customize as needed to ensure alignment.
Francesca Lynn Arnoldy 