There are countless reasons to strengthen community grief care. Here are five to embrace and enact today.
#1. Grief is both Universal and Deeply Personal
The community grief support I provide is rooted in this truth. There’s value in learning about loss and also in exploring our personal reactions to it.
A grief care client expressed gratitude for reviewing certain frameworks, like common grief responses, practical needs, and the three essentials of healing. Once we’ve discussed a particular theory or concept, we then see how it applies to their unique experience.
The result?
Individuals feel less alone during their time of loss, and they feel better understood. It also helps them identify and access what they need—whether it’s space, a listening ear, or a helping hand.
From KINDRED GRIEF CARE:
Simply put, grief is a response to a significant loss or transition. Significance is subjective, of course, and each person experiences and expresses grief in their own way. Most often, we think of grief as an emotional reaction, but loss can affect individuals socially, psychologically, physically, spiritually, and mentally, too.
A loss can be a death, but it can also be the ending of a relationship, career, identity, home location, health status, or future dream. Or it might be a change in stability or independence, the close of a developmental era like one’s youth, or some other profound shift, like becoming an ’empty nester’ when adult children move away. Some people describe ‘big D’ or ‘little d’ death, or similarly ‘big L’ or ‘little l’ loss to differentiate between major and more minor transitions.
#2. Mourners are Deserving of Compassionate Support
When you’re feeling nervous, it can be difficult to reach out and show up. That’s understandable. But it’s actually good for you. Research agrees:
“People who performed random, informal acts of kindness, like bringing a meal to a grieving friend, tended to be happier than people who performed more formal acts of kindness, like volunteering in a soup kitchen. It’s possible that informal helping may fill our more basic psychological needs for autonomy and close relationships, which is why it could lead to greater happiness.”
This doesn’t mean people should stop volunteering. It just shows how powerful a random gesture of support can be for all involved.
From KINDRED GRIEF CARE:
An orientation of compassion is empowering for the mourner, because grief care kindred hold a steady belief in every individual’s wisdom and strength. We aim to trust people with their grief, knowing there will likely be moments of doubt and overwhelm. In response, we become a supportive witness to both their pain and healing. It’s a more sustainable approach, because we are better able to maintain our wellness and energy. We view it as a privilege to be allowed entry into these realms of vulnerability.
#3. Loss can be Devastating to Endure. It can also Become an Opening for Healing and Connection.
Grief can feel like a never-ending process of sifting through wreckage. Like salvaging a life.
Yet there are sometimes hidden gems within the debris…A forgotten memory. A reminder that momentarily fills the emptiness. The warmth of a hand that holds on through the pain. The steady presence of someone who cares deeply.
From KINDRED GRIEF CARE:
Although significant loss can create despair, mourners might also experience glimmers of optimism. Humans are complex beings capable of complex emotions. People can simultaneously experience heartbreak and happiness, yet they sometimes feel shame for enjoying anything while grieving. It can feel like an act of disloyalty. As someone grapples with loss and begins to reconcile it, they might feel sadness and longing. Rabbi Harold Kushner describes life after the death of his son with these poignant words:
‘I am a more sensitive person, a more effective pastor, a more sympathetic counsellor because of Aaron’s life and death than I would ever have been without it. And I would give up all of those gains in a second if I could have my son back. If I could choose, I would forego all of the spiritual growth and depth which has come my way because of our experiences…But I cannot choose.’
Just because a mourner’s life has begun to grow around their grief doesn’t mean they are happy about it, or that they would choose it if given the chance. Explaining this false dichotomy can be soothing and affirming as those grieving attempt to hold both heartache and hope, grief and gratitude.
#4. Community Grief Support is a Vital Strand of the Care Web.
According to research, about 10 percent of mourners will develop disordered grieving, meaning they have a prolonged condition that gravely impacts their ability to function and raises the risk of “all-cause mortality.”
One of the factors contributing to prolonged grief reactions is “a lack of social support” which interferes with adaptation to loss.
So, even those who require mental health support for their very survival as well as those who seek therapeutic treatment in times of crisis or on a long-term basis STILL NEED THEIR VILLAGE. Even those who do not attend therapy or support groups STILL NEED THEIR VILLAGE. Their neighbors. Their friends and family members. Their colleagues.
It’s not one or the other. Community care is not in competition with clinical care. It’s complementary.
From KINDRED GRIEF CARE:
People are multifaceted beings, with numerous ‘sides’ and moods, yet we generally remain ourselves through all parts of life, including illness, death, and loss. Honor who you know the mourner to be while remaining open to adjusting approaches.
If you don’t have a close relationship, you’ll need to be more generalized in your offerings. If you do know the person well, take into consideration their personality and your established dynamic. Here are some guiding questions to utilize:
• Do they have notable likes or dislikes?
• Do they tend to be shy or social?
• When around others, are they more private or openly expressive?
• Are you aware of their beliefs or traditions?
• What can you prepare and bring with you that’s thoughtful and special?
Even with the best of intentions, we will get it wrong sometimes. We’ll think we have a grasp on a person’s tendencies and preferences but be off. If a mourner is able to communicate their thoughts with honesty and correct you, it’s likely a sign of trust. Remember, we want to encourage mourners to tune into their inner knowing and voice their needs.
#5. When we’re more informed, we’re more effective.
As author Maya Angelou famously said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” The process of learning is ongoing. It’s lifelong.
Providing kindred grief care requires kindness and humility. We can never say “never” and never say “always” when it comes to loss. We can count on this realm to be opaque at best.
This is not a role to be mastered; it is one to practice. Each visit with a mourner will inform and refine your approaches. You will often need to feel your way through, shapeshifting and adjusting to meet each moment, while also acknowledging when someone’s needs might reach beyond your scope.
From KINDRED GRIEF CARE:
Having an awareness of grief-related services is valuable. If you’re not already familiar, take some time to research what’s available in your area. Are there grief support groups? Are there hospice organizations that offer bereavement support? (Many organizations extend services to those beyond their own clients.) Are there therapists who focus on grief? Are there child life specialists in local hospitals who care for young people experiencing loss? Are there camps, retreats, or other gathering spaces for mourners?
Hold this question in mind: If not you, who? If a bereaved person has an unmet need beyond your reach, or is expressing utter overwhelm or hopelessness, you might offer to research more options for their consideration. If they are interested in pursuing any of the ideas, you might also offer to make initial calls or gather additional details to lift that burden. Make sure to affirm just how vital extra support can be during such challenging times. There are many, many barriers to people receiving the care they deserve, including social stigma, finances, challenges identifying or verbalizing distress, shame due to perceived lack of fortitude, or the notion that support is impossible to access.
As grief care kindred, we give what we can without overriding our capacity or limits. We offer choices and open doors. We note the advantages of adding more strands to the care web, and we cater our specific approaches to each person’s situation.
Francesca Lynn Arnoldy 