Recently, my daughter and I were watching Grey’s Anatomy. The character Mark Sloan (played by Eric Dane) slipped into a coma following an end-of-life “rally,” or final burst of energy. The cast of clinicians then discussed Sloan’s advance directives. He had requested to end life-prolonging interventions if there were no signs of recovery after 30 days.
A cue bell rang out in my head. This was a good conversation starter. So, I paused the show. We talked about end-of-life care choices as a family and the difficulties of following through on a loved one’s wishes when your own heart is breaking. My husband chimed in with some levity. Before reaching the point of overwhelm, we continued watching the episode.
Then, just the other night, I had a quiet span of time on a Sunday. I decided to find a “mindless romcom” to watch. Love at First Sight caught my eye and seemed to fit the bill. Wow, was I off with that initial impression! It was actually amazing and far more complex than anticipated. There was love, loss, difficult transitions, and even a Shakespearean-themed living memorial.
I smiled. I cried. I felt awe. I thought about the value of healthy preparedness.
When I’m presenting about death or grief literacy topics, people regularly ask how to approach conversations with loved ones when there’s resistance. My first answer is: Do your own work first, and then ask if you can share about it with your person. Begin or update your planning. Be honest about your questions, doubts, and hopes. Drop the agenda of forcing someone else to complete theirs, and instead, create an open space for conversing. Point the spotlight toward yourself. Generally, the listener will have feedback to share and might be more willing to consider their own preferences as a result.
Another approach to try: Bring up examples from pop culture that highlight the benefits of having planning conversations. This is a gentle side entry. What can you reference? “I was watching/reading ___ and the character ___. It really got me thinking about what I would maybe want…”
If these conversation starters aren’t gentle enough and don’t land well, you might try focusing on sources of comfort and happiness first. These safer topics can actually illuminate potential care preferences. Here’s an article with steps for creating a personalized “Happiness Is” list (a wonderful addition to any death journal).
Remember, sometimes we’re merely planting seeds for future conversations. Advance planning is not a “one and done” sort of talk. Everyone has their own pacing. But as the adage goes, it often feels too early until it’s too late… So let’s begin where we can, while we can.
Here’s an excerpt from one of my death lit publications with even more tips and techniques to help you navigate these conversations:
Francesca Lynn Arnoldy 